Every year we get a fresh batch of new youth members, and I always tell them my three goals for the youth:
1. Come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.
2. Realize and develop their calling and talents (both spiritual and secular).
3. Find a spouse (if they so wish), and then, in the words of Eric Von Heassler, "Get off my lawn!"
In this post I obviously want to discuss the latter. Usually I try to write a post with a specific point, but this post is going to be a bit different. This one will be more of a rant. I am happily married and have three kids, but I came from a much simpler time (6 years ago lol). I got married at age 22 while I was still young and dumb. I say that half-jokingly because I've never concerned myself with these topics, never searched the world for "the one," and honestly never planned on getting married at 22. I fell in love for the first time to the only girl I could ever imagine being my wife and a mother to my children, and then I loaded up on college classes to graduate faster so I could get married asap. I have no regrets on how my life unfolded for me. This was my path, but yours might be different. Out of the handful of things I'd like to touch on, some come from personal experience and some purely from observation.
Lists & Fantasies
I remember sitting in a class at SFG, and the teacher asked us to pull out a piece of paper and make a list of things we'd want in our spouse. I stared at that blank page for a long time, and I don't think I ever wrote anything down. But let's play this out. Imagine you have a list... 1. How do you know those criteria will be important to you a few years from now?
2. What are the chances you will meet someone that meets all of those wants?
3. What makes you think you actually (really) know the person you are marrying??
My wife actually had a list, but luckily she fell head over heels for me and lost the list somewhere in the process. I recently talked to her about it, and after analyzing some of the items she remembers, we agree that most of them don't mean anything now, and the ones that can truly be considered "important" are still unstable and have no guarantees. You want someone who is very active in church? What makes you think married life won't put the brakes on all of that? Or, what makes you think the person who seems dormant doesn't have a mighty plan from God that's about to unfold? After all, Jesus was just a carpenter until age 30. Much of the criteria people write down are uncertain and have no guarantees, but on top of that, you have no idea how much your marriage will impact all of that. There are so many things I did before I got married and stopped after, and vice versa. My advice: It's either a list or a spouse, pick one.
Is it Time to Panic?
One time an older youth member asked me, "Since I'm getting older, is it time I start worrying about why I'm not married yet?" My philosophy is if someone doesn't have a spouse lined up, then to start worrying, panicking, or actively/obsessively doing something about it is going to have very low results. You will stress yourself out, lose your confidence, waste your time, and possibly ruin yourself or someone else. I've sold my fair share of cars over the years, and it pretty much goes the same each time. First, I prepare the car: clean it inside and out, fix anything that would turn away a customer, and list it for sale. Afterwards, I go on with my life and know that the right customer will come along eventually, if the price is fair (think about this analogy as well). When the right customer comes along, you don't play games with them or try to drag out the sales process. There are certain things you have to check about yourself (maybe get some things in order), and after that, just make yourself available and go on living your life and serving God. I know it's hard to hear the words "just don't worry about it" when you're talking about the biggest concern in your life at this time, but, in all seriousness, what other choice do you have? Oh, and don't drive the car recklessly while it's on the market; potential buyers will think the car has been abused.
Does God Care?
Simply put, yes, but not in the way we might think. The majority of Christians out there did not experience a supernatural revelation, a miracle confirmation, or a scripted fairytale, just a nudge in the heart and a realization in the mind. God never promises a supernatural occurrence when you meet your future spouse, and as a matter of fact, the Biblical standard is fairly basic– be equally yoked in faith. What I believe God does care about is to provide for His children. If you have a desire to get married, reveal that desire to your heavenly Father. Have the patience to wait upon Him and the faith to not doubt His timing. If God wants you to stay celibate, I think He is powerful enough to remove the desire of marriage from your heart to accomplish His will. Celibacy, when it does happen, does not feel like a punishment. I encourage everyone to pray about their future, pray about their fate, and believe that God wants what is best for you and will align His will with your heart.
I also have to add, if you really care about God's will in this matter, pray about it before you find someone, not after. Don't go on dating for a year and then come back and tell that person that it's not God's will. Abraham's servant first prayed for God to open his eyes to the right person, and then he expressed his desire to her in regards to Issac. Today, people can date for years, lead people on, and then break up because the relationship was somehow not "sanctioned" by God.
Guys
To put it simply, the ball is in your court for the most part. I know girls these days are becoming more bold, but it's still largely up to you. If you want to get married, you have to take risks. You're never going to be 100% ready to start a family. I was far from ready (financially, mentally, spiritually), but God was guiding me right along, and He compensated for my shortcomings. Regarding the girl, you'll have to cut her some slack. Regardless how well you think you know her, you don't; that's just a risk you'll have to take. Perhaps you risk rejection as well, but isn’t that why the man is the initiator? You can handle it. Don't expect God to point her out to you. It does happen, but rarely. God gave us a heart and a mind– please use them both. Our Slavic community has no shortfall of eligible girls. Open your eyes and look around. Regardless if she is from your church and you grew up with her or you have to travel the whole world to find her, she won't be perfect, but she'll be yours.
Girls
Be simple and modest. Most of you are already this way, but when you are faced with this whole marriage thing, you can tend to overdo it. Being simple is a virtue that can often fade on both sides of the spectrum– when you think too highly of yourself or when you are too self-conscious. C.S. Lewis said it well, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." When you are prideful or insecure, you end up overanalyzing and thinking about yourself too much, and then in interactions, you do awkward things. Spare yourself and those around you– just take it down a notch, be simple, and be yourself. I refuse to believe that modesty is lost on people. Perhaps guys like the fluff and glamour when they are still far from ready to get married, but when they eventually grow up, most guys move modesty up in importance. Because you have more of the passive side of the coin, you might feel helpless or restless, but you can't let that take over you.
In my Instagram poll, 67% answered that yes, it is difficult to find a Christian spouse these days. Social media, with all of its boasts to connect people, isn't very helpful for the majority of single youth. Reality television has gone a long way to ruin the basics and to skew our understanding of what the godly process looks like. Contrary to popular belief, finding the right person is not a numbers game or an elimination round. A successful marriage is founded on trust in God, honest interaction, and mature and realistic expectations. The less drama the better; the fewer choices the easier. God bless!